40 things you should know by now

[Penny Smith]

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in
a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government programme.

10.If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11.Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12.A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13.Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14.Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15.No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16.A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.

17.Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18.Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19.Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20.There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21.Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a
mistake when you make it again.

22.By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23.Thou shall not weigh more than thy fridge.

24.Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25.It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.

26.If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved,
& never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

27.There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

28.People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

29.You should not confuse your career with your life.

30.Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31.Never lick a steak knife.

32.The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33.You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we put the clocks back.

34.You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think
she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35.There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

36.The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic
status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

37.A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

38.Remember, half the people you know are below average.

39.Your friends love you anyway.

40.Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[OG LOC]

LoL...love it, thanks

xxx

 

[Hollister69]

Thats fab x

 

[Fireflies]

Just the tonic I needed.

Thanks,

Always Trying
x

 

[marys.momma]

Wonderful, hemelgirl.

Difficult to pick one out of 40 gems. But this one I did recognise:

.Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a
mistake when you make it again.

And even more comprehensively, in my case!

 

[DarkMagix]

I may learn from my mistakes but I keep finding new ones to make

or is it that I just forget and make the same mistake

 

[Felicity Jenkins]

No 34 - excellent advice!!!

 

[Robsterkz]

37.A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

I have used this before now to work out what people are really like.

 

[Mr. Dan]

Great thoughts

this one
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time....
Reminds me of the time after giving birth to my 1st baby .........tired.....veeery tired and water retention galore.
So my problem wasnt bowels but water clogged cells.....and doctor gave me sleeping pills and water tablets at the same time

 

[Kikii]

that must have been interesting

 

[Maria Inkila]

yeah,,just slept on the loo

 

[??????????????]

15.No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes


Is this because men never do the dishes or because we just wait until they've finished and then shoot!
Bet Prashna will have the answer!!

 

[Kay Kay]

Lol love it.........thanks XXXXXXXX

 

[steellloniext]

There are as always multiple levels of answer, depending upon one's predilections, perceptions and previous experiences including near-death ones.

I shall try to identify a few:

1. "men never..."; as you wrote

2. "we just...". Not sure who or what you include in the personal pronoun, but the general procedure is correct and completely logical.

Why interrupt a perfectly productive process, unnecessarily and
risk possible damage to expensive cutlery and crockery?

3. The target in question might have been eliminated even before doing the dishes, mainly to provide a salutary object lesson to others contemplating a refusal to engage in the necessary domestic procedure.

In other words, a deterrent function.

4. The target is being far too smothered in quite distracting gestures of undue affection to be shot!

5. The target is too agile ie adept in dodging the bullets and thus the surrounding glass and other susceptible objects may suffer from unwanted collateral damage

6. The operator is not quite accurate and miss the target. Result similar to 5.

Additionally there is the minor inconvenience that causing demise or grievous bodily harm to a notifiable animal and that includes humans is a serious offence with dire consequences to one's own liberty or even life. In most civilised countries!

There are a few other possibilities, but the general drift has been conveyed, I believe.

 

[mom tree]

See, I knew our darling Prashna would have an answer.

With reference to point 6, you will find that most females in the human form will be quite accurate as over the years we find many reasons to indulge in target practise when we are around the male species. Especially when we find ourselves living in restricted quarters with a supposedly 'dominant' male.

 

[roxy002914]

"our darling Prashna" ?

In real life quite incapable of blushing, at least visibly.

"you will find that most females in the human form will be quite accurate ..."

I can well believe it. Perhaps that is what inspired the Hollywood film, some time ago...

Deadlier than the Male

However, I was hoping that you might cite no. 4 as the most common reason. Not just for the tactile reasons nor for the accompanying spiritual uplift but purely on pragmatic grounds. You see, carrot has always been and continues to be more effective than the stick.

It was proven over 2,000 years ago when the 3 wise men gave the baby Nazarene Frankincense, Myrrh and ... and asked him to be good.

And he was and grew up to deliver one of the 3 greatest speeches ever, West of longitude 50. Sermon on the Mount, I believe.

The other 2? Why the Gettysberg address and the speech by Mark Anthony, in Julius Caesar Act III Scene II, of course.

Regards.

Prashna