How long should you wait until introducing your children to a new

[Vicki]

boyfriend/girlfriend? Ok here is my situation.... My husband and I have 3 very young children (4 years old, 5 1/2 year old and a soon to be 7 year old).

My husband and I separated about 1 1/2 months ago. The last time my kids saw there father was the beginning of April seeing that he has worked far from home. At that time my husband and I were not separated and he was still living with us but (as mentioned above) we have separated since then.

He just arrived back in town two nights ago and the plans were for him to take the kids out for the afternoon yesterday and next week he was to take them for a few days camping to spend some much needed time with them.

Well this is what happen yesterday... I was informed by my 7 year old daughter that my husband had a "friend" with him. The kids picked up on the fact that there was something strange going on. My daughter claims that they kissed in front of them in which my husband denies and that he said I love you to his "friend" on the phone just before they picked her up - that he never denied.

Him and I have already talked before about if we happened to be involved with anyone else that we would keep it from the children until quite awhile until we were certain the relationship was a long-term lasting relationship. He even mentioned to me that if he was ever involved with anyone else they would never meet the children and I had said to him that that would be ridicules if the relationship became so serious that they decided to move in together....

What really has me upset is that the last time our kids have seen there father was when we were still together. I have been trying to explain to them as best and lightly as I could that their father and I are no longer together and he is no longer living with us anymore when he comes to town. They are having a very difficult time understanding this all due to there age and knowing that last time they saw daddy he was with mommy.

When I spoke to my husband about this I tried to express my concerns about the children meeting a person that he just became involved with so shortly after our separation. Now he can't see what is wrong with it.... even after I told him that my daughter was crying about it because I was crying about it and this confused the children even more.

I asked him if she is going to be there next week when he takes the kids camping and YES!!! he plans on having her there with them!!!! Am I wrong here but is this absolutely wrong what he is doing?

These children need to first totalling understand that mommy and daddy are no longer together and he needs to spend some much needed quality time with just him and his children before anyone else is introduced! Am I wrong here?

I tried to tell him that it is no bodies business, including mine, what he does in his own time. If he wants to be with another woman that is his own business and I am ok with that but I am NOT ok with this woman being there with him and my children at such a confusing time for them! Especially sleeping in the same trailer as them!

I told him that I don't think that is apropriate, that I don't want them to be around her at such an early time and for him to come and get the kids only when he has his priorities in proper order.

Am I wrong here? I just don't want my children getting attached to a person that could be gone the next time they see their father and I don't want them to get the wrong message about relationships.

I hope I can get a variety of responses from a variety of people. I am especially looking for other men's thoughts about this and how they would handle this situation if they were in my husbands shoes.
Sorry so long!
As I mentioned above I have absolutely no problem with him being with another women. We are separating because we weren't getting along and I didn't want to live like that anymore and the kids didn't have to be around all the fighting.... But the kids definitely have to get through him and I separating before either one of us thinks about putting any other person in our children's lives.

The part that gets me upset about this is that my children are upset and it is extremely difficult for them right now. My 5 year old son started crying last night when I was brushing his teeth asking why I can't go camping with them and daddy. That he wanted me to go and not the other lady to be there. That is what breaks my heart about all this. They need so desparetly to get past this separation before a new man/woman is involved - atleast with the kids.....

Also what really upsets me is that my husband and I both agreed only a few weeks ago that if someone new happens to enter either one of
Also what really upsets me is that my husband and I both agreed only a few weeks ago that if someone new happens to enter either one of our lives that we will not introduce them to the children until at a later date that we knew for sure the relationship was definitely serious.....
~~~~~~~I should add that my husband works thousand of miles away and only comes home approximately 4 times in the year. Approximately 2 week each time. So lets really think about this if each time my children see their father and there is a new women with him each time they see him it is sending a wrong message to them.

It would be different if they see him all the time but unfortunately that is not the situation. After next week they will not be seeing him again until Christmas as he has to go back to work. To me if he is still in the same relationship with the same women then a say all the power to her meeting the kids because by that time it could be safe to say that the relationship is serious.

Some people are saying that he should wait a year or more but I DON'T agree with that. I believe that by 6 month of a relationship you pretty much know where it is heading - either out the door or carrying on.

 

[Ocimom]

IMO you guys are only separated and not divorced. So he should not be dating any one and certainly not having a "friend" along when he has the kids.

When you are divorced and then begin dating, its never a good idea to be exposing the kids to new "step" parents until you are more serious about a permanent relationship.

It messes the kids up too much.

 

[mjmayer188]

This is one of the many on-win situations that divorce creates. If your ex has a new girl friend, there is no way the kids aren't going to pickup on it, so if he tries to hide her, they will know he is lying.

I think they will adjust better and quicker if you two are upfront about it. Unless you and your ex are planning to get back together at some point, and it doesn't sound that way, then be honest with the kids and let them adjust to it.

"even after I told him that my daughter was crying about it because I was crying about it and this confused the children even more." Be careful about projecting your feelings onto your kids. Your daughter is crying because you are upset, not because your ex has a girlfriend. It looks like this is the way it is going to be going forward, so you need to adjust too.

Your ex has a new life, and he wants to share it with his kids. That's not really a bad thing. You will be in the same situation soon, and you will expect the same consideration. Kids are very resilient, and they will adjust.

 

[LIPPIE]

Legally he is still married and sending mixed messages to his kids. Since he has not really seen the kids, for quite some time, this time should be spent with them and not having his time entertaining another woman. You and I both know that this will not be serious unless he has been having an affair for quite some time. You should talk to a lawyer about this with a stipulation that the person staying the night needs to be related . That puts a stop to him having multiple woman in and out of the kids life for a few hours. Of course this will also go for you, you have to learn to have your entertainment with out the kids around. I agree that the kids are not going to understand what is going on, but then kids today are so messed up about relationships because of the parents, no wonder the world is messed up. I also thought you explained yourself very well, and although it was long, it needed to be to express your thoughts.

 

[redpeach_mi]

I agree that it is too soon to have anyone else around the kids. You're not even divorced! However, the one thing that I learned from getting divorced is that you cannot control what the other person does. All you can do is "damage control" from their bad decisions. What is really sad is that the kids haven't seen their father in a long time and instead of spending quality time with them, he's parading around the new gf.

 

[Richard's Friend Victor]

I'm not an expert but I'd say at least a year, however it would better to wait longer, and frankly if he never sees the kids then he should be spending 100% of his effort on them and not having the woman around when he's with the kids.

I don't know how you would tell him this or enforce it, though.

 

[Sondra]

No, you're not wrong at all. Your husband is an idiot. It's obvious that he's not that great of a father because he doesn't realize that that 6 weeks is sufficient time for his kids and he's obviously placing his own needs above them. I feel sorry for your kids.

 

[Avery]

My sister just finalized her divorce. Her ex cheated and left her for the other woman. They have a four year old and a six year old. They decided to keep it from the kids that their dad was with her until after the divorce was finalized, but they caught on sooner. It is a very difficult concept for children to understand. They are already so tender and delicate at this age dealing with a divorce, let alone someone else in their parent's life. You are absolutely right in the way you are feeling. Your husband is selfish and immature and his new girlfriend is as well. If she weren't she wouldn't be with him and she would never condone this. I can't believe that SHE is comfortable with this. I wouldn't let them go camping with your husband. It is just too much.

 

[mmm]

Children learn from their childhood - they have friends that come and go and so do their parents - everyone has friends that come and go . . . its a natural process - now if dad has a new girl around every other week- that is different but having someone they care about around your children is NOT a bad thing ...

1. Let him go. Your husband. He has moved on.

2. Your soon to be ex is allowed to have friends. He just is. Male, female etc. He is allowed to include his children in on his life. IT IS allowed.

3. As soon as you move on from all this drama and get your own life, you will understand.

4. STOP CRYING in front of your children. You need to be strong and keep them out of this.

Good luck

 

[up4more]

My rule of thumb is 6 months...by then you know if it's a relationship that is going to last or not.

I think men don't generally follow that rule of thumb...by nature they are selfish creatures and he's not really thinking with his brain - he's letting his head lead him along...

I'm not saying all men are like that, but let's be honest - most are.

My girlfriend went through the same thing with her ex. Her daughter would wake up early in the morning and call her all upset about strange women sleeping over (he went through a string of them for a while). It broke her heart and she had trouble answering the questions her then 6 year old had. It stinks. You just have to muddle through the best you can...

 

[brwneyedgrl]

Yes its wrong of him to bring someone new in front of the kids this early.. my x husband did that right away as well and my 3 yr old went from being potty trained to not being potty trained (his way of handling stress at that age) and was constantly asking why daddy was "kissing" another girl. Little ones cant understand whats going on.. all they understand is that mommy and daddy arent together, and they feel the stress of whats going on even if they cant make sense of it. Your husband needs to be forced into taking a parenting class.. (alot of states have them and in some its mandatory to take it before getting the divorce finalized) .. Im going to be honest with u.. theres not a whole lot u can do about it.. You could try to get it put in the Seperation agreement that no other persons are to be around the kids during the seperation.. persons of a romantic nature.. but i dont know if they would enforce it or not if he disagrees with it... but it definately hurts the children.. confuses them more, stresses them more.. and BOTH of you should NEVER introduce the kids to someone unless its extremely serious meaning your planing on marrying this person.. because its not good for kids to have to keep going through "Divorce" and thats what happens when they get close to your bf or his gf's and then they break up and another adult gone out of their lives.. they learn to not trust people,have abandonment issues , and security issues.. in a nut shell "your husband is a dumbass for not putting his kids best interests ahead of his own personal feelings"