Some E-mail bullsh1t

[Lucy H]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a
woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as
your elbow, I'm in room 1221."



A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded
the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first
blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No
offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing
will."


A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he
notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it
and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis
and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is
Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."


One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps
his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over
and says: I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I
want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This
time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"


Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he
had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the
pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a *** therapist to
talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He
vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came
home absolutely ashamed. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked."Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what
happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

 

[Keira]

AIDS OR ALZHEIMERS
A guy takes his wife to the doctor. The doctor says: "Well, she either has AIDS or Alzheimers disease." The guy says: "You can’t tell the difference?" The doctor says: "Well in the early stages both are a lot alike". The guy asks: "Well what now?" The doctor says: "Drive her out to the country and throw her out of the car…if she finds her way back home…don’t **** her"

CHRISTMAS GIFT
Q: What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?
A: Cancer

DIVINE INTERVENTION
Q: How do you get nun pregnant?
A: You **** her

KEEPING IT IN THE FAMILY
Q: How did the Puerto Rican mother know her daughter was having her period?
A: She could taste the blood on her sons penis

MEN / WOMEN
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer
A: None…the bitch should have opened it when she brought it
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink
Q: How do you know a woman is about to say something smart?
A: She begins her sentence with "A man once told me…."
Q: Why do men gas more than women?
A: Women don’t shut up long enough to build up pressure
Q: How do you fix a woman’s watch?
A: You don’t, there is a clock on the oven
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months…….I don’t like to interrupt her
The last fight I had with my wife was my fault…she asked: "What’s on TV" and I replied "Dust"
Q: Why do men die before their wives do
A: Because they WANT to


One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself. "Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could ****, he could fly!"